Rules To Set Before You Have A Threesome

If you’ve been thinking about having a threesome, but you’re worried about the potential implications on your own relationship, you aren’t alone. Having a threesome is actually one of the most common fantasies, but around 10% of women, and 18% of men have actually had one. However, if you’re up front, and lay out the rules, and boundaries beforehand, then your relationship can not only survive, but may flourish.

1. Why Do You Want A Threesome?

The first thing you need to do is to think about why you want to have a threesome. Think about your own reasons before you discuss them with your partner. If you think a threesome will help bring a bit more excitement in the bedroom, it will, but it might not help your relationship. If this sounds like you, a threesome is probably not the best idea. Trying out new sex toys, role-playing, or experimenting with new techniques are all exciting ways to spice up your bedroom activities while safeguarding your relationship.

If you think that a threesome is definitely for you, think about your relationship. Do you feel that your sexual needs are being met? Are you able to convey exactly what you want to your partner? Are you satisfied in your relationship, sexually, and emotionally? If the answer to all those questions is yes, and you still want to have a threesome, then talk to your partner about it.

1. Fantasise About It First

Before you commit to having a threesome, you should try fantasising about it first. You can do this mentally, in your own head, and see how it feels. Does it intensify the sensations of sex with your partner? You could also try talking about it out loud with your partner. Talk about how another person would fit in while you’re having sex, enjoying foreplay, or masturbating.

1. Who To Choose?

One of the most common threesome mistakes that people make is inviting someone they know in as their third. There’s already an emotional connection with someone you know, which can muddy the waters. Feelings can develop or deepen, and eventually someone will be hurt.

Trying to pick someone up in a bar, or club has its own problems. For a start, threesomes while under the influence are a terrible idea. Secondly, for your relationship to be successful afterwards, there needs to be boundaries and rules in place beforehand. Lastly, there’s no way to tell which stranger in a bar would be a good candidate.

Instead, it’s a better idea to try an app or site that has been designed specifically for helping couples find a willing third. If, and when you find someone, it’s still not a great idea to jump straight into bed. Meet in person first. Test out if you’re both attracted to them, talk about their expectations, or desires from a threesome, and see if you all want to take the next step.

1. Be Safe

There are a few safety factors to consider. First up is Covid-19. Before you start, talk about your coronavirus safety. Talk about any extra safety measures that any of you need before you begin. This may mean that everyone showers, and changes into fresh clothes first. Whatever it is that you all need to feel comfortable, talk about it, and lay out your ground rules.

If you’re ready to continue, the next safety issue that you need to discuss is birth control. Set out rules on birth control. The most important one should be that condoms are used, and that they’re changed between partners. One condom should not be used on two people.

You’ll also want to be sure that everyone involved has a clean bill of health. Everyone should be have regular sexual health tests anyway, but make sure that you do before you have a threesome. Exchange sexual health information between all the parties before moving forward.

Lastly, it might seem like drugs or alcohol will help move things forward. They will not. Limit them. You may want to have a few sips of wine, or whatever your drink is, to help ease any nerves. This is fine, but everyone should limit their consumption to one or two drinks.

1. Make A Check List

Think about how a threesome would look and feel to you. Ask your partner to do the same. Then have a conversation about what sex acts will be part of your threesome, and which ones won’t. Some couples don’t allow penetration. Others have a no touching rule. Some permit all sex acts, but don’t want any kissing, cuddling, or any acts that show an intimacy.

Talk through all possible scenarios, and think about how you would feel in each situation. If there’s an act, or acts, that you think would make you uncomfortable, then take them off the table.

1. Be Honest

Communication is key in all aspects of a relationship, but when you’re about to bring a third party into the bedroom, it’s paramount. You need to be honest about any fears, concerns, or boundaries that you feel about the threesome. You also need to understand what your partner’s expectations, fears, and boundaries. If one of you isn’t fully on-board, or if you have very different ideas about what a threesome should look like, then you shouldn’t move forward. A threesome can only feel good, fulfil your fantasies, and not affect your relationship if everyone is on the same page.

1. Safety Words

A safety word is a word that basically means stop. When someone becomes uncomfortable, they can say the safety word, and everything ends, no questions asked. The safety word can be anything you want. Most people choose something that is completely unrelated to sex, isn’t used in typical conversation either in bed or out of it, and is memorable. Everyone involved needs to know what the safety word is, and that it means that all things sex stop immediately.

1. Who Will Lead?

The actual logistics of a threesome will probably not be the hottest conversation you’ll ever have, but it’s a very important one. You and your partner need to discuss who will take the lead. Which one of you will initiate contact with your third, or if you would want the third to lead. If things aren’t going well, who will end the experience, and politely ask the new person to leave? Discussing all the logistics beforehand can help prevent anything from getting out of hand during your new sexual experience.

1. Relationship Boundaries

You need to talk with your partner about relationship boundaries. Be very clear on these boundaries. Ask yourself the following:

• Who will be the point of contact for the third person?
• Will you stay in contact with them after?
• Would it OK for one of you to contact them without the other’s involvement?
• Where will the threesome take place?
• Will it OK for the third person to stay over? If so, are they having breakfast with you both?
• Would either of you prefer that they leave?
• Is this a once-off experience? Or is it something you want to make a regular part of your bedtime routines?
• If you want to have regular threesomes, are you hoping to have the same partner each time?

If you have any other rules and boundaries, think about them. If you need to, write down your answers. Talk to your partner, and make sure that you’re on the same page. Once you’ve decided on these boundaries, stick to them. Things can become difficult if you start blurring the lines.

1. Talk To The Third Member Of The Threesome

Once you talked with your partner, and you both know what your boundaries are, remember that you need to talk to the third member of your threesome as well. Set out where your lines are, and ask what theirs are. Ask them if any of your rules make them uncomfortable. Remember that they can decline the proposition at any time if they feel uncomfortable. Everyone needs to be on the same page, understand what’s OK, what isn’t, and how the time will end.